Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Hmm I have my doubts at the helpfulness and accuracy of this little cliche as it focuses on the end with no regard for the present.

As  I recovered from encephalitis I edged nearer to this light.  With no guidance available to me I assumed I would recover all the abilities that I had so taken for granted before this illness.  Given this ignorance I felt it was worth fixating on this light that tantalisingly dangled out of my reach.  Pushing just myself just that little bit more and a bit more and a bit more seeing every target  as something to be reached no matter what the light moved from being an encouraging carrot to a cudgel that had to be toiled under in fear of failing to reach that next stage.  The stress and self-criticism this caused fed a guilt downward spiral that needed no such help.

Chasing this end meant that I didn't keep an eye on my current surroundings.  I didn't spot the pebbles and stones that I twisted my ankle on, the rocks that sent me sprawling grazing my legs nor the bloody great holes that I'd fall into and then struggle to climb out of, sometimes with broken limbs.  In other words I was creating so many problems for myself by not knowing I was over reaching, setting unrealistic targets and placing myself in a position that may have had positives but also considerable negatives.

Of course I made great strides and ticked milestones off my list that were believed to be beyond me.  I won't deny this and I'm proud of it too but I cannot emphasise enough how many regrets I have from obsessing with achieving what I believed I would have done had I not been ill.  For me this was the light at the end of the tunnel.  At this point it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge that, given my character, even if I had been told I would have to revise my expectation I would have refused to do so and bloody mindedly ploughed on.  I do believe though I would have begun to accept my limitations many years before I did.

With the benefit of hindsight I wished I had adopted the attitude to life that I  have now.  I'm never going to reach the light at the end of my tunnel.  I've stopped trying.  This is not a negative outlook.  Far from it.  Along my tunnel are flaming torches lighting my way.  Yes there may be the odd dark patch when a torch has gone out but by and large I can see where I am going.  I can see those pitfalls and adjust my stride, stepping over stones, creeping carefully round holes and making the most of it where there is a free path.

So, for me, henceforth I have a lit tunnel that allows me to see my present and near future rather than a tunnel with a lit, unobtainable end.  Realising this has not been limiting but rather enabling and liberating.

Happy Baking

In an attempt to get me going again after spending in time in hospital post O-Levels I spent a term at cookery school. Although finding it immensely difficulty socially and getting rather confused and lost almost every day I did come away with an ability to cook albeit slowly & occasional strop.  What I have discovered is that baking relaxes me.  Indeed there are times when I know I need to bake sub consciously even though I don't feel particularly bad on the surface.  

This certainly improves relations with the neighbours as I end up baking more than we can eat.

So I've decided every now and again to post one of my favourite recipes.  Every recipe I post is one that I have given to others and has been followed successfully by them.

HEALTHY CAKE OR CHUCK, CHOP, CHUCK CAKE

1.2kg fruit - this should give you a good kilo after peeling, coring and stoning the fruit. 

I usually use apples, pears and dates.  However in the summer/autumn I’ll use apples and whatever is relatively cheap on the market plums, peaches, nectarines, apricots, raspberries, blackberries or blueberries. The choice is yours.

225g butter - preferably unsalted

250g castor sugar

5 eggs

275g plain flour sifted with ½ tsp of salt.

You will need either a 9"/20cm tin or 2 1lb loaf tins. Either butter and flour them or 

use greaseproof liners

Method 

Preheat oven to gas mark 3, 160ºC, 325ºF.  Put baking sheet in.

1. Cream the butter then beat in the sugar well.
2. Add the eggs one at a time beating well until it is a light cream. Add a desertspoon             of flour with each egg.
3. Stir in the sifted flour and salt with a wooden spoon.
4. Wash, peel, core as appropriate the fruit you've chosen.  Cut the fruit, with the exception of one apple (2 if very small) and some dates into largish chunks.  Fold carefully into the cake mixture.
5. Pour the mixture into a buttered and floured 20cm/9” tin or 2 1lb loaf tins.
6. Peel, core and slice the remaining apple into rings and press down lightly onto the cake top.  Halve the dates and add to the top. If using loaf tins you will need to cut the apple rings in half/
7.  Put in the oven on the baking tin and bake for 1¾ - 2 hours.  Check after about 1½ hours.  If it’s getting a bit brown cover with foil.  Will be firm to touch when it’s ready.
8. Leave to cool in the tins for 5 minutes before removing and leaving on cooling racks.

 Does keep well and will freeze.

By the way I call it a healthy cake because of all the fruit that goes in it!

Happy Baking

Oh yes I should say that I was prompted to post this by Richard Worth's posting of his very successful loaves today.

Stuck in Traffic

I reckon there are three types of drivers when it comes to traffic jams.

Firstly there is the deluded driver who believes that by huffing and puffing, letting everyone know their annoyance at the delay and continually checking the time, they will speed up the dispersal of the cars.  In truth all they are doing is unsettling their mood that may affect their judgement for the rest of the journey if not the whole day.

Secondly there is the fretter, the 'if only' driver who reproaches themself for not taking the alternative route, getting off one junction earlier, checking for roadworks before leaving or failing to begin their journey earlier.  Well it's true things may have been different if another option had been taken but not necessarily better. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has turned off at the sight of a long traffic jam only to join another one created by drivers with a similar idea.  If the fretter had left earlier they may simply have ended up closer to the front of the traffic jam and, God forbid, possibly involved in it.  All that can be said for certain is that guilt and worry will have been provoked and that is not a healthy state of mind to be in.

Thirdly there is the driver for whom light has dawned - there is nothing they can do that will make the traffic jam disappear.  This driver realises the opportunity to take alternative routes or leaving earlier has gone and that there is nothing to be gained from brooding on this fact apart of course from a brief assessment of what has happened for future reference.  What can be done is leave the radio on for traffic alerts so the driver stays up-to-date, to relax a bit, chat to passengers, take charge by replanning the day and being ready to move ahead when it is possible.

What character is most likely to drive on most safely and in the the best mood for the rest of the day? 

Well dealing with the consequences of Encephalitis is a bit like that.  This is a very simplified approach I admit but it is based on my own experience of now 27 years living with acquired brain injury and depression.

It is immensely frustrating not being able to do what been as easy as breathing.  The desire to be able to do it NOW is overwhelming.  Even when the ability has been relearned, remembered, recovered the stamina to do it as much or as long as you want is missing.  Then you simply shift the frustration to why can't I do it so easily or for as long.

Well in case you've forgotten, which you won't, the poor old brain and body has been through quite a lot.  Forcing it to 'travel' at a pace that is beyond if just risks complete exhaustion and pulling you back down.

Equally fretting about and worrying that you are not following the route through life you had planned won't change the fact that you've had encephalitis in one form or another.  It won't contribute anything positive as to how you move forward.  Continually reflecting on it will give you a degree in resentment and/or guilt.  I try very hard not to 'what if' as 'what if' didn't happen nor will it happen.  This does require discipline, is not always successful but on the whole caging these thoughts so they don't pollute me is worthwhile.

Then there is the third driver of life.  Someone who acknowledges that things have happened in both the longer and more recent past, someone who listens for guidance as to what has happened in the past and is happening in the present and who seeks to put themself in the best position to move forward with their life.  As the traffic jam moves be it by a couple of yards, a hundred yards or even reaches second gear it is always moving forward.  One only reverses to let emergency vehicle through before regaining that distance.