Monday 2 July 2012

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Hmm I have my doubts at the helpfulness and accuracy of this little cliche as it focuses on the end with no regard for the present.

As  I recovered from encephalitis I edged nearer to this light.  With no guidance available to me I assumed I would recover all the abilities that I had so taken for granted before this illness.  Given this ignorance I felt it was worth fixating on this light that tantalisingly dangled out of my reach.  Pushing just myself just that little bit more and a bit more and a bit more seeing every target  as something to be reached no matter what the light moved from being an encouraging carrot to a cudgel that had to be toiled under in fear of failing to reach that next stage.  The stress and self-criticism this caused fed a guilt downward spiral that needed no such help.

Chasing this end meant that I didn't keep an eye on my current surroundings.  I didn't spot the pebbles and stones that I twisted my ankle on, the rocks that sent me sprawling grazing my legs nor the bloody great holes that I'd fall into and then struggle to climb out of, sometimes with broken limbs.  In other words I was creating so many problems for myself by not knowing I was over reaching, setting unrealistic targets and placing myself in a position that may have had positives but also considerable negatives.

Of course I made great strides and ticked milestones off my list that were believed to be beyond me.  I won't deny this and I'm proud of it too but I cannot emphasise enough how many regrets I have from obsessing with achieving what I believed I would have done had I not been ill.  For me this was the light at the end of the tunnel.  At this point it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge that, given my character, even if I had been told I would have to revise my expectation I would have refused to do so and bloody mindedly ploughed on.  I do believe though I would have begun to accept my limitations many years before I did.

With the benefit of hindsight I wished I had adopted the attitude to life that I  have now.  I'm never going to reach the light at the end of my tunnel.  I've stopped trying.  This is not a negative outlook.  Far from it.  Along my tunnel are flaming torches lighting my way.  Yes there may be the odd dark patch when a torch has gone out but by and large I can see where I am going.  I can see those pitfalls and adjust my stride, stepping over stones, creeping carefully round holes and making the most of it where there is a free path.

So, for me, henceforth I have a lit tunnel that allows me to see my present and near future rather than a tunnel with a lit, unobtainable end.  Realising this has not been limiting but rather enabling and liberating.